The Malt Shovel Blog

Pepsi versus Coca-Cola - Mafia style

2009-08-30T09:20:00.007+01:00

A good job that the Malt Shovel serves Pepsi!

Scary Lemur

2009-06-14T18:35:00.002+01:00

MS Blog moved

2009-06-13T15:06:00.004+01:00

I haved moved the MS website to a new hosting company and a new location on the www.
I thought that whilst I was about it I'd move the MS blog, too. The blog is now has its own directory in the new site. It worked first time - amazing! (No one viewing the MS site or the blog should notice any difference - this is really just part of a process to harmonise and rationalise my web sites - putting everything under one umbrella, so to speak).

Beware of Old Gits - They have learnt a thing or two

2009-01-19T19:19:00.007Z

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard at great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
And the Moral of this story is....
Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

The Palestinian question is easily answered

2008-11-28T15:14:00.002Z

The 2009 Malt Shovel Calendar - now available.

2008-11-24T13:59:00.008Z

I know how much you chaps at the MS appreciate your pint being perfectly presented.
I thought that if the Womens Institute could do their own calendar that it is high time that Malt Shovellers had their own calendar for 2009.

Click here to see my 2009 offering. (Pirelli - eat your heart out)!

Looking for my wallet

2008-11-24T13:34:00.005Z

I understand just how this man feels!

Photoshop

2008-11-08T11:57:00.013Z

The website business is currently very slow, so I am currently keeping busy by learning Photoshop. Hitherto, I have used Macromedia's excellent Fireworks for graphics. However, as Macromedia were taken over by Adobe I am now having to learn Photoshop. Learning one's way around any piece of new software is a challenge, so I decided to look for some help and instruction.

I subscribed about £45 for an online training course. You get 12 short 5 to 10 minute videos to watch. Rather than wade your way through a manual that is thicker than a telephone directory,
Learn Photoshop Now reckon that they can teach you the basics in about two hours. And how have I found the course? Utterly brilliant! And, what's more the commentary is extremely precise and to the point, and is in English, which is a right result.

This morning I cracked lesson 9 which was all about digital image enhancement. I was able to remove a few moles from the otherwise flawless face of a model. I have taken a picture of a lighthouse taken in daylight and rendered it at night time under a starry sky and added a lighthouse beam. I have quite astonished myself.

A few weeks ago I took some wedding photographs. The photos with the background being Horsham Rugby Clubs's playing fields. In the background of these pics were lots of unsightly rugby goal posts and a number of metal pylons that support lights for evening training sessions.

In double quick time I have now made them all disappear, thereby enhancing the pictures considerably.

Not exactly earth shattering, perhaps, but it gives me a feeling of having achieved something worthwhile and that makes this old git very happy indeed. Now it's definitely time for a pint.

Area Code 615 - Stone Fox Chase

2008-10-26T17:02:00.002Z

Ahmed the dead terrorist

2008-10-26T16:54:00.000Z

Del's new motorcycle

2008-10-01T13:50:00.009+01:00

Del Ford has himself a new motorcycle which was being much admired by customers.

It is very new, very shiny, very black and very fast.

MS regulars watching the goings on in the car park decided that the new bike really ought to have a name. It was immediately decided to call it the Hadron Collider.

Mike's Joke

2008-10-01T13:37:00.004+01:00

This little gem from Mike Cross.
(Click on the link to view)!

This proves that men can multitask

2008-08-22T13:33:00.001+01:00

The Accident in the Car Park

2008-07-23T13:05:00.003+01:00

I have decided that life is just getting too complicated for me to cope with.

On arrival at the MS car park at 5.00pm on Tuesday 17th May as per usual the car park was full.
I could not park anywhere without inconveniencing someone, so after careful consideration, I decided to park across the bows of Barry's Merc and Graham Hurst's 4x4 on the basis that Barry's car would be going nowhere and if Graham needed to get out he would find me.

I ordered my pint and had a pleasant chat with Derbyshire Matt and Tiny Tim about the virtues of Lotus sports cars. Tim ordered himself a pint of Strongbow, but, when Sally went to pour it, the pump only delivered a half pint. Hey presto the MS had run out of cider.

Suffice to say that there followed an unfortunate chain of events.

A prompt phonecall is made to Richard Kent at the Shelley in Broadbridge Heath. "Could we please borrow a barrell of cider?" "Of course you can", says Richard.

So, a Malt Shovel member of staff (who shall remain nameless) jumped into her car and reversed across the car park and into the back of my car, causing minor damage.

After leaving the Malt Shovel I had to call in at the Shelley to fix an appointment with Richard Kent about his website. "Have you just come from the Malt Shovel", he asks. "Yes", said I. "Well that's a coincidence, because I've just lent them a barrel of cider". "Yes, I know, and it's because of your barrel of cider that my car's now damaged". He looked incredulously at me.

So just who is responsible for damaging my car? Is it Tim for drinking cider? Is it Richard for agreeing to lend the MS a barrel? It is emphatically not the fault of the woman who hit my car, because she has ovaries which give her licence to reverse without looking. No. It is all my fault for parking my car there in the first place.

The First IT Professional

2008-05-23T13:40:00.005+01:00

Meet Ralph - our tame Robin

2008-05-21T15:12:00.005+01:00

Now that the weather is improving it is pleasant to soak up the evening sun on the terrace. Or is it?

Problem.
The syacamore tree that overhangs the terrace is infested with greenfly. This means that you will probably find them running all over you, all over the tables, and they will even get into your beer.

Solution.
Get yourselves a buddy like Ralph the tame Robin who will happily hop amongst you to hoover up several times his own body weight in greenfly.

Ralph has been voted the most useful member of the MS team!

A Call Centre Experience

2008-05-07T12:39:00.001+01:00

The Front Fell Off

2008-05-07T12:26:00.000+01:00

National Mild Day

2008-05-04T14:51:00.007+01:00

Saturday 3rd May was an especially enjoyable and busy day at the Malt Shovel.

Regulars and many CAMRA members were able to enjoy the delights of six mild beers.

An excellent talk was given by Miles Jenner, the head brewer from Harveys. Thhis was followed by a buffet lunch.

Then events moved outside for a display of morris dancing by the local broadwood group.

But this was not all as in the evening Mike Quick and his band performed.

I took a few pictures during the course of the day.

Email from Mr Atkinson who used the MS in 1957

2008-03-12T11:43:00.004Z

Hello to Atkinson2256 from Stoke-on-Trent who emailed the Malt Shovel to say that he used the MS in 1957 when he did his National Service at Broadbridge Heath with the bomb disposal unit that had its HQ there. He also used the Shelley Arms. As a stranger to these parts he was impressed with the friendliess of the natives. Golly - that's 50 years ago.

A good reason why you should not swallow your chewing gum

2008-03-06T16:40:00.002Z

(Thanks to Mike Cross for this contribution)

Beer Festival Fleeces and T-Shirts

2008-03-03T13:45:00.002Z

The fleeces and T-shirts have arrived. If you qualify, ask the bar staff to give you yours.

MS to feature in the 2009 Good Beer Guide

2008-02-28T15:12:00.001Z

I am able to reveal that the North Sussex branch of CAMRA have confirmed to Lynne that the MS will be listed in the Good Beer Guide. Outstanding!

Culture invades the Malt Shovel

2008-02-27T16:13:00.003Z

On Sunday evening I sauntered into the MS for my pint when I saw a sight which I have to say I had not seen before in all of the years I have been using the pub.

Of all the things (and people) who might have been laid out on the floor of the top bar I saw - poster sized pictures of famous Parisian buildings and landmarks.

It started because two fracophile photgraphers started chatting about their recent trip.

"In fact I was there only last week", said one. "That is remarkable, because so was I" etc etc.

A most bizarre coincidence

2008-02-27T15:51:00.008Z

I recently did a website for a client at Barns Green who is a vat consultant. His arch rival is a guy called Martin Pooley from Norwich. From time to time I check out his website.

Yesterday I decided to take a look at web design company that did Mr Pooley's website, and I found myself at the Worthing firm of Big Breakfast Design Ltd.

Looking through their portfolio I felt compelled to click on the Horsham Community Folk Festival. Scrolling down the main page I found myself looking at a picture of the festival's organiser who is no other than Malt Shovel regular Martin Jeremiah.

From accountancy in Norwich, to Worthing and a Malt Shovel buddy in three clicks. Spookey!

Martn Jeremiah